quickiee* 09.23.09//.

i havent weighed myself in days.

im scared of what the scale will tell me. everyday, i live in dear of my scale. pathetic? yep!

i had to eat today. i was walking down the stairs at school (10 flights down).. i got really dizzy and fell halfway down a flight. i was so weak.

i was actually carrying books about anorexia. i told everyone they were for a project..

i was forced to have 2 slices of toast with raspberry jam. i must admit, they were somewhat delicious. i was tempted to purge.. but i havent been left alone til now. like, 10 hours later..

i need to start fasting again tomorrow.

i hate not knowing my weight.

i plan on breaking out the scale on friday.

really not looking forward to it.

but i need to know.

THINK THIN!

boness. *

ribs
cheeck bones
hip bones
collar bones
thin thighs
small wrists
concaved stomach
"I wish I could love myself"

Something's always wrong............

[09.18.09] * first week

so this week was more difficult than i thought it was going to be

so much rain.. and the wind was making me so nervous.

ive been hiding in the basement in fear that the top of my house is going to blow off!

im pretty much a wreck.

BUT!

good news is that i have been losing weight.. thanks to fasting :)

and the fact that im not really super happy right now makes it a lot easier to not eat.

i think my room-mates and classmates who i associate with are starting to suspect things?

but i dunno.

i hope not.

my family is coming to visit on sunday, and we will probably go out for dinner..

at least if i dont eat until it wont be too terrible.

i just dont want to tip them off.

it was funny, the other day my mom called to see if i needed them to bring anything, and she asked "are you getting enough to eat?"

i said yes. plenty.

and we left it at that..

i mostly just wanted to tell her that my stomach is empty and i plan on keeping it that way.

its hard sometimes, especially when you can smell all of the food that everyone is cooking, and it smells so good! all i do is go to the kitchen, take a deep breath, smell the food, and im good.

holy that is a scrambled post..

it reflects what my poor brain is going through right now...

oh ps. im taking a psychopathology class (study of mental illness) and for the next TWO weeks we will be discussing eating disorders.. woooot.

i feel like everyone looks at me when the prof says eating disorder.. i feel like he is pointing me out. like everyone knows my secret.

i mean, i love starving and trying to get thin.

but i dont want people to know.

ashamed of it? maybe a little.

proud that i can say no to food.

but not so much that im literally rotting away..

holy.

depressing end.

sorry you had to read that...

THINK THIN!

[09.14.09] * break.down.

wow. so things have been so horrible lately, i havent even left my room, or talked to anyone!

..well, until today, but only because classes started, and i dont wanna get behind before it even really gets started.

im having a mental breakdown, i think.

i dont know.

im not a doctor.

so i really have no idea.

i keep having flashbacks of everything that has happened to me.

every time i turn on the tap for water, i flashback to the e-coli outbreak problem back in 2001.

the moment my hands meet the faucet, my mind jumps right back to all the sickness, all the tears, the illness.

it feels as though it is the very moment that it was all happening.. i can almost hear the sound of the kettel screeching as my mom boils the water to disinfect it.

i threw that kettel in the garbage as soon as the "water boil advisory" had ended.

my family never started drinking the water.. but we were able to buy bottled water.. since the stores were finally all restocked.

i remember not showering, in fear of the e-coli absorbing into my skin.

after i finally zone back in, a gust of wind hits me. and man it hits me hard.

only a few weeks ago my town was hit with an F2 tornado.

this is something that doesnt happen around here. ever.

the wind hits my face. and i my first thought is to go grab a pole and hang on for dear life.

wind speeds of 190km/hour ripping building about, throwing trees through the air like ping pong balls. bits and pieces of, everything, just flying around and hitting everything else.

houses ripped apart. so many injured. the image still sits in the front of my eyes, almost as if it is glued there. for how long, i dont know.

so where is all of this coming from?

well i woke up the other night and couldnt feel my legs, which is normal.

(well not normal, but normal for me. due to osgood schlatters.thanks)

so i popped a few (like 5 advils)

i didnt have water and was so creeped out about going downstairs in the dark in my new house. so i just swallowed them. well, most went down easy, but the last two sort of, got stuck in my throat. and i could feel them sitting there. and scared of losing breath, i ran to the bathroom and almost took a drink from the tap...

...

that was the moment. i didnt drink it. i couldnt.

these mental issues.

awful.

good for my eating disorder though.

i cant eat.

im not even hungry.

even if i was. it would be purged, and not even on purpose.

...

i need help.

real help.

too bad i can only admit it in a blog.

damnit and my weaknesses.

sorry. depressing post.

but definitely feels good to let it out.

STAY STRONGG!

[09.09.09] * GAA.. grrrr.

so i was doing SO WELL!
but my room mates and i went to the mall to buy stuff for our house.
we were gone for like, hours!
and they decided that they wanted to get McDonalds!

OMG

ickk!

mcd's is so so so nastyy.

i hate eating, but i especially hate eating fast food.

when i said that i didnt want anything, they insisted!

they thought that i just didnt want anything because i just spent so much money, so they offered to pay.. i politely declined, saying that i wasnt hungry.

they all know that i used to have an eating disorder.. and dont want me to go back to my old ways..

[ha.]

so they bought me stuff and forced me to eat some!!

i was so angryy!

and when i got home, i couldnt even purge because.. it took us over an hour to get home, and when we got here both bathrooms were in use..

effffffff sakes!

im so not impressed..

but i guess that means i should hide my food scale [i weigh everything that i eat!] in my room so they dont begin to wonder...

well anyways, that was my rant.

i feel disgusting with my body full of food, nasty food.

hopefully tomorrow is better...

THINK THIN!

STAY STRONG!

...avoid room matess :(

[09.07.09] * movedd

well, i have internet for... maybe an hour?!
im all moved in to my new place, but internet is kinda sketchh..
SO i apologize for the lack of updates, and this one may just be short..

once i have some time im going to read up everyones blogs and comment,
so no worries all, ill be back soon :)

so as you know, my last week at home, i ate meals with my family.. and were they ever happy!
it was hard on my body, but i love my family, and it was worth it!
im really glad that i did that for them..
PLUS, it was healthy stuff, so i only put on 3pounds!

i was so surprised. i liked eating - only because it tasted so good..
but after, like at night, i would feel so bad about eating..
all i could hear were voices in my head telling me how worthless and weak i was for eating.

so here i am, back to eating only what i need to survive..
i moved in friday morning..
friday, saturday & sunday i ate 200 cals.
and today im at 50 so far.
my room-mates asked me to cook dinner tonight.. so i will - it is a lot easier to not eat when i cook.. well, it is easy to hide.

i hope you guys are all doing really well!
starving is not easy, but we have to take control!

stay strong, starve on!

[08.30.09] pt2 *

i am moving so soon! i am getting so so so excited :)

i lived in rez last year.. and this year i have a house.

aka. i will have to do all of my own cooking.. which i may or may not {probably not} do a lot of!

My brother and my dad were away all weekend at my brothers baseball tournament.. so my mom decided to teach me how to cook.. so that i know what im doing.

[last time i tried to cook.. a few years ago.. i lit the kitchen on fire...]

so she showed me how to make bacon, sausage, hashbrowns - all for breakfast

and showed me how to make a roast, corn on the cob, mashed potatoes & snow peas/sugar snap peas.

after cooking the meals, and it just being my mom and i, i had to eat some. i didnt even feel bad eating! i enjoyed my meals with her, and we had so much fun, just like we used to back when i was recovered. i didnt eat a whole lot, but enough to show that i actually do eat!

i didnt take laxatives, or purge.. i took my satisfaction in knowing that it is the most i have eaten in weeks, and it was reassuring to know that my parents think i am doing well.

as much as i hate the thought of food sitting in my stomach.. i think that this week will be a week of eating, mainly because i have to cook for the rest of it!

my family has been so good to me, i feel that i owe them this.

i will sacrifice one week of my journey to thin, because as of thursday.. i will be without them forever!

i think i can handle it.. for one week?

shiiiit yaaaa.

i mean, i wont pig out, but i will eat a little bit at meals with them.

and to edit a previous post..

i was scheduled to move tuesday.. but i cant get the moving truck til thursday.. so i will not be moving until then.. will still be living out of boxes though!

i cant wait to get to my new house... i am so so excited!

do you guys think that making my parents happy for my last week here is an ok idea?

i have no troubles fasting, so i can easily reverse this stuff starting thursday...

comment and let me knoww :)

[08.30.09] * eeeek

so i am officially like, the worst blogger on this site!

...and to tell the truth i am still trying to figure the site out.

it is a little confusing, but hey there ya go.

so i am officially done being a lifeguard, which is sad.

it helped keep me in good shape..

ill still swim, but i wont have to do my skills or save any lives.

im already missing it, and it hasnt been that long.

it was just such a great job, and it is hard to say goodbye.

perhaps it is hard to say goodbye because i am saying it to so many people!

i am moving soon, and i am so effffffing pumped. it is going to be so super fantastic!

and time is just flying by - just a few more dayss.woot.

so as i said on thursday, i had to interrupt my fast to eat so that i could be strong for work - cuz it really sucks being on a super hot pool dead, being super tired, watching boring swims & being light-headed. it is just far too much for me to handle! so i had an apple for breakfast, and half a peanut butter sandwich for lunch.

{i dont know if peanut butter is good for you or not, but it fills me right up - AND it gives me tonnes of energy, which i needed for swim team!}

also, i went for my final weigh in at the docs on friday {i was so gross - i literally jumped out of the pool, put on some dry clothes and ran to the docs!}

when i first started weigh ins i had to wear nothing but a hospital gown because i was caught "smuggling" penny rollers in my underwear. i learned all the tricks. so for a long time i had to be "inspected" and was forced to wear the gown. after a while of that i was allowed to wear clothes because the exact number doesnt matter so much as the range of the number. so when i went on friday i was nervous because i have been fasting and not eating a lot lately, and i didnt want to get caught before i left or else i wouldnt be allowed to go.. {i am down 4 pounds, which puts me at 116!}.

so i wore a LOT of layers.. good thing it was cold out! i wore a padded gel bra (since gel weighs more than just foam), 2 tanks, t-shirt, big sweater, track pants & two pairs of leggings, plus HUGE wool socks! i was actually quite warm, dressed for a winter day! plus i have really long, thick hair that was soaking wet. i wore a really heavy necklace, plus a super fancy hair elastic.

my weight was ... 119! aka i had on three pounds of stuff! i was so pleased.

they were not concerned that i was down a pound considering that i am stressed about a lot of things. doc said that given my history he expected two or three pounds, but was glad it was only one. so now i am done with weigh ins. since i am 20 and i technically do not have to go.. so they are lucky i went at all!

i began my fast again on friday. i ate the PB sandwich at 1pm. and i havent eaten since!

what are some useful tricks/tips you guys use when you are fasting, like when it gets tough and you are really craving stuff?

leave me a comment :)

stay strong!

think thin

[08.27.09] * moving. update

i haven't updated in a few days..

i am in the midst of moving back to university. last year was my first year, so i lived in rez. this year i am living off campus with friends a made in rez. i miss them so much. the closest one lives two hours away, and i havent seen any of them since april! so i am pretty pumped to get to see them again. a lot of my stuff is in boxes, and i have no idea where certain things are. i start moving on tuesday.. but i have a lot of packing and organizing to do since i am moving out of my parents house forever!

it is sad, and its going to be really hard. i love my parents so much! we are so close [other than the fact i lie about eating and whatnot], but we have an amazing relationship. i am going to miss them lots, and my little brother [he's about a foot taller than me - gianttt!]. but once i move in and get into the pace of school again, i will stop missing the fam. I will be so busy weighing food, counting calories, working out, blogging and of course, going to class!

I cant wait at all!

so tomorrow is my very last shift at the pool, EVER!

i have been a lifeguard for 5 years now.. and have worked at the same pool. i am officially finished after tomorrow, since i will not have any more terms off to have a summer job. i started saying my goodbyes to those who i will not be seeing tomorrow. again, it is sad.

and when im sad, i definitely do not eat! which is a good thing. sadness causes me to lose my appetite. wooot.

today was a good day. i havent eaten since tuesday, and i am starting to get the light-headed, dizzy, super out of it feeling. and as terrible as it sounds - i LOVE itt! it is so greatt!

but i will have to eat something tomorrow since i work 9 hours.. and work is really draining, and i have to be really alert [&i need to be strong] - so i will eat tomorrow during the day, and then start another fast tomorrow nightt!

only got an hour and a half workout in today - but better than nothingg!

hope everyone is doing well. i will read everyone's updates and leave comments tomorrow.. i have to be to work in six hours and am in desperate need of sleep!

think thin.

stay strong lovellies :)

[08.25.09] *AMAZING day

today was beyond amazing!

my day started at 6am, giving me four hours of sleep.

i brushed my teeth and ran 20 minutes to the gym.

once there, i ran on the treadmill for 40 minutes.

(600 cals gone. wooot)

i then did my weight training, core stuff, and push ups

plus ball exercises.

this took 25 minutes.

i like to be at the gym for an hour and a half..

so i went on the elliptical for 25 minutes.

then i ran 20 minutes bak home!

i felt INSANE!

i love working out so much. it always makes me feel so amazing after.

i went to work at noon, but it wasn't busy so i got to go home at 4 instead of 6.

i should have swam.but my legs were tired.

all i had to eat today was an apple.

i have rediscovered my collarbone and my hipbones :)

my wrists are looking knobby (sp?)

but my thighs wont budge.

ickk

im planning tomorrow to be the same as today.. only i am hoping to get more sleep tonight!

i only have a week left at home, and i wont lose that much weight in a week.. so i might as well go hardcore ana now!

my brain is in no food mode, and loving it.

there is no better feeling than your stomach being totally empty!

stay strong, starve on lovellies :)

[08.24.09] * im backk

Here I am, back from my weekend away with the famjam.
Surprisingly it went a LOT better than I expected.
But we will get to that later..

First of all, thank you to those who have commented and started “following” me. I more or less wanted to have a blog to organize my thoughts and sort out my feelings. But having people comment on my posts, I know that I’m not alone, and I love that no one seems to judge on here. Just to give help and support where it is needed. So, thanks!

Second, I received a comment that my font is hard to read.. so, I am going to try a different one. It looks fine on my computer, but maybe it is because I have a Mac and am using Safari or Firefox (whichever I feel like at the moment). So hopefully it is better, if not, let me know! If you guys are taking the time to read my entries, I will make sure that I made them readable.

As for my weekend away, I did a lot better than I thought I was going to. We went to the family cottage at the beach. It was decently fun, and super easy to hide my eating, or in my case, my non eating.

My cousins and I went for so many walks on the beach, just hanging around outside. My parents occasionally asked if I was hungry at all, and I would say “No, I have just been picking away at stuff all day” and they were cool with that. They have been seeing me eat a lot lately, and think that everything is fine with my ED. They don’t know that I turned back on the road of anorexia last September. They think that I have been doing great since I have been out of treatment. I wish I were OK, but I just need thin SO BAD!
But anyways, back on track here – I “ate” dinner with my favourite cousin (who is ED-NOS, but started out bulimic). So she understands me, and I didn’t eat dinner.

I ate around 200cals Saturday, and 150 on Sunday.

I keep fighting the urge to eat.
I find that keeping a thinspo diary/book (full of quotes and pictures) helps to keep me motivated.
Also, I have been trying the elastic on the wrist to “snap” away cravings. It helps sometimes.. not so good with pizza cravings and chocolate cravings – my two ULTIMATE weaknesses!

Hope everyone is doing well and reaching your goals!
Think thin. Starve on!

[08.21.09] *quick.update

I am still figuring out how to work this site, so bare with me.

I don't even know if that is the right form of "bare"

SO.

Today I worked an eleven hour shift, which is awesome because it gave me little time to eat. In and out of the water for 6 hours, burned LOTS of calories and didn't take any in. It was great. I felt great.

I had a bottle of water with a thing mixed in.. it is a jamieson electrolyte plus vitamin c thing. I have about one a day. I also take herbal diuretics to help with water weight. I don't know if they work, but there is something about taking them that eases my mind. I guess it feels like I am doing something.

All that I had to eat today was:

10 medium size red grapes

10 small size green grapes

4 small strawberries

I'm still feeling good, I guess I am running on adrenaline, and the fact that I am PUMPED I get to move out in 14 days!

While I was at Uni last year, it was so easy to hide my ED. It was awesome. I over-exercised, and no one told me to stop.

I am really looking forward to getting my freedom back!

--- wish I could update more, but I am being called to the vehicle. We are going to a family reunion thing, and I'm not allowed to bring my computer {no internet, anyways}. SO I guess I will be updating my thinspo book until I get back. Hopefully food will be easily avoidable!

I will be back to blog on Sunday, hopefully. or Monday. Depending on weather and how much "fun" we are having.

Think Thin.

Starve On.

[08.20.09] *intro

I'm not sure how many people, if any, are going to read my blog. I am mainly trying to organize my jumbled thoughts, as you can tell by reading my first two entries. My mind jumps from subject to subject, place to place, hoping that by blogging, I will be able to organize my thoughts and be able to think straight.

So if anyone is going to be reading this, I guess I should do some sort of quick intro.

I am 20 years old, even though I look 15, but act 30. I am in university, taking business, sociology, and maybe tourism. I live in Canada, and am hoping to go to Australia for a year {starting in February 2011}. I will have to wait and see how things go.

My life is great, for the most part. I love almost every aspect of it, minus the fact that food rules a major part of my life. It has for about, 12 years now?

When I was eight, I was made fun of for being "anorexic". I wasn't, I was simply just a very very naturally skinny child. At first, I didn't even know what anorexia was. But by being made fun of for my weight, I became very conscious about it. I began eating less, yes, at eight years old, I was starting to diet. I would eat only fruit and drink only water. I was really good at not eating breakfast and lunch, but making my parents think I did. It was awful, such an awful thing for such a young person to have to go through.

My parents are not idiots, I love them to death! But they didn't figure it out. I wasn't not eating, I just didn't have anything other than dinner, and maybe a snack before bed. Starting at age 9 (grade four) I started joining sports teams (mainly track and cross country running). I was really good at running and would go on to many different meets. So everyone just thought of my weight loss as an effect of my running.

Eventually, my eating habits became more "normal" and I was eating the way any kid should. This continued into grade 8.

At the age of 14, my body began changing. I got hips, and my clothes started getting too small.

Now I know, it wasn't that I was getting fat, it was my BONES moving around.

At the time; however, I started being made fun of because I was getting "fat"... even though I was still underweight. This is when my eating habits turned for the worst. I needed to be thin again. I needed people to make fun of me for being too skinny, instead of being made fun of for being fat.

My parents confronted me about being bulimic after a nurse mentioned to them about the bracelets that I was wearing. [I wore a red one for anorexia, and a purple for bulimia]. At that point, I would say I was both.

I teetered back and forth for a while. But I was finally able to control myself and not binge, therefore I would say anorexia with the purging subtype became my ED of choice. If you can call it a choice..

After grade 11, the summer that I wanted to be perfect, took an ugly turn. I was raped by a friend of mine. He is no longer a friend, obviously, but at the time.. he was. We were close, and it all happened so fast. But that incident, that single, traumatic experience, is what sent my anorexia into overdrive. When I am depressed, I don't eat, which works out perfect for someone with an eating disorder.

So after a few hospitalizations here and there, I am still battling against the demons in my head telling me that I need to be thinner to gain control of my life.

Heading off to University last September started out okay. I was partially recovered and starting to eat normal-ish.

I'm 5foot 6inches and weighed 120 pounds. My doctors were impressed with my progress. I went down greatly in weight while off at school, but still managed to do surprisingly well.

After returning home for the summer, my parents and doctor have all been closely watching me, and I am back up to 120 pounds.

I am moving away for good in less than 16 days, and I am so excited.

But I don't think I can do it the way people want me to..

I need thin. I need anorexia to be part of my life, in a way, it is a safe zone for me.

So here is what I got for now; especially since I have to continue eating normal-ish [or at least make everyone think that I am eating normally until I move out. [I have become very good at the game of trickery].

GW1:115lbs

GW2:108lbs

UGW:97lbs

It is going to take a lot of work, but I will do it.

I will be thin.

Or die trying.

Think thin.Stay Strong.

[ps.if someone actually read all that, congrats. I ramble. it's boring]

[08.19.09] * what to do when the world turns on you

Why is it that life always seems to be so unfair?! I work so hard at work, giving it everything I've got, and for what, just a huge slap in the face?

If I could change one thing about my past, it would be trusting people. People who I thought were my friends, only to later find out that they just talk shit about me behind my back. Why would I ever think that you can trust teenager girls to be decent human beings? Even though we only work together, and we are not the greatest of friends, heck, I don't even really like any of them, I still would like some respect. I do not appreciate people talking smack about me, and then pretending to like me when I'm around. If I don't like you, I will tell you straight up, none of this evil, backstabbing bologna that I seem to be putting up with every day.

And even though I don't really like them, it still really hurts to be called a bitch, and hear about how much someone hates you..

Regardless of who it is, it is so painful.

I've tried so hard to get along with everyone, to avoid this, but I guess it just wasn't good enough. I guess I never really had any friends... Which is why it hurts so much.

I just need to get out of this place, get away from small town where everyone knows everyone, and move on. Meet different people.

But until then, is it possible to move on? Is it possible to just completely ignore what people say, and go on with your daily life?

It seems to be a very difficult task, one that I don't think I can do, not alone.

And people wonder why I am depressed and sad all of the time... go figure!

[08.18.09] *starting-over*

After breaking things off with my boyfriend of two years not long ago, I am still feeling the emptiness and loneliness that I thought was over. Far from it, apparently.

This was supposed to be the best summer ever, considering it is my last one off. I am returning to University in just a few short weeks, and I will be in school non-stop until I graduate {whenever that may be}.

I was really hoping to spend my summer sitting in the sun, reading poetry and listening to music. Instead, the sun has been MIA, and I have been working from dawn til dusk [if that is even a proper saying!]. I haven't had a chance to see any of my friends from school, since we all work and no one lives near anyone. BUT - I soon get to move in to my new house and reunite with my friends.

Not only has this summer been long and lonely, it has been difficult as I continue to battle against my inner demons. Fighting to get out, my body tells me how fat and gross I am. I constantly work out, count calories, and log my weight. This obsession has taken over; however, irony shows that this battle is my only sense of control.

It really is crazy how stress can change your perception of EVERYTHING!

Only a few weeks left of loneliness, and maybe more weight loss will come - it seems to be my main control.

It feels as though things have not spiraled, but, perhaps the spiral has begun, and I am just too blind to notice?