[09.18.09] * first week

so this week was more difficult than i thought it was going to be

so much rain.. and the wind was making me so nervous.

ive been hiding in the basement in fear that the top of my house is going to blow off!

im pretty much a wreck.

BUT!

good news is that i have been losing weight.. thanks to fasting :)

and the fact that im not really super happy right now makes it a lot easier to not eat.

i think my room-mates and classmates who i associate with are starting to suspect things?

but i dunno.

i hope not.

my family is coming to visit on sunday, and we will probably go out for dinner..

at least if i dont eat until it wont be too terrible.

i just dont want to tip them off.

it was funny, the other day my mom called to see if i needed them to bring anything, and she asked "are you getting enough to eat?"

i said yes. plenty.

and we left it at that..

i mostly just wanted to tell her that my stomach is empty and i plan on keeping it that way.

its hard sometimes, especially when you can smell all of the food that everyone is cooking, and it smells so good! all i do is go to the kitchen, take a deep breath, smell the food, and im good.

holy that is a scrambled post..

it reflects what my poor brain is going through right now...

oh ps. im taking a psychopathology class (study of mental illness) and for the next TWO weeks we will be discussing eating disorders.. woooot.

i feel like everyone looks at me when the prof says eating disorder.. i feel like he is pointing me out. like everyone knows my secret.

i mean, i love starving and trying to get thin.

but i dont want people to know.

ashamed of it? maybe a little.

proud that i can say no to food.

but not so much that im literally rotting away..

holy.

depressing end.

sorry you had to read that...

THINK THIN!

[08.30.09] * eeeek

so i am officially like, the worst blogger on this site!

...and to tell the truth i am still trying to figure the site out.

it is a little confusing, but hey there ya go.

so i am officially done being a lifeguard, which is sad.

it helped keep me in good shape..

ill still swim, but i wont have to do my skills or save any lives.

im already missing it, and it hasnt been that long.

it was just such a great job, and it is hard to say goodbye.

perhaps it is hard to say goodbye because i am saying it to so many people!

i am moving soon, and i am so effffffing pumped. it is going to be so super fantastic!

and time is just flying by - just a few more dayss.woot.

so as i said on thursday, i had to interrupt my fast to eat so that i could be strong for work - cuz it really sucks being on a super hot pool dead, being super tired, watching boring swims & being light-headed. it is just far too much for me to handle! so i had an apple for breakfast, and half a peanut butter sandwich for lunch.

{i dont know if peanut butter is good for you or not, but it fills me right up - AND it gives me tonnes of energy, which i needed for swim team!}

also, i went for my final weigh in at the docs on friday {i was so gross - i literally jumped out of the pool, put on some dry clothes and ran to the docs!}

when i first started weigh ins i had to wear nothing but a hospital gown because i was caught "smuggling" penny rollers in my underwear. i learned all the tricks. so for a long time i had to be "inspected" and was forced to wear the gown. after a while of that i was allowed to wear clothes because the exact number doesnt matter so much as the range of the number. so when i went on friday i was nervous because i have been fasting and not eating a lot lately, and i didnt want to get caught before i left or else i wouldnt be allowed to go.. {i am down 4 pounds, which puts me at 116!}.

so i wore a LOT of layers.. good thing it was cold out! i wore a padded gel bra (since gel weighs more than just foam), 2 tanks, t-shirt, big sweater, track pants & two pairs of leggings, plus HUGE wool socks! i was actually quite warm, dressed for a winter day! plus i have really long, thick hair that was soaking wet. i wore a really heavy necklace, plus a super fancy hair elastic.

my weight was ... 119! aka i had on three pounds of stuff! i was so pleased.

they were not concerned that i was down a pound considering that i am stressed about a lot of things. doc said that given my history he expected two or three pounds, but was glad it was only one. so now i am done with weigh ins. since i am 20 and i technically do not have to go.. so they are lucky i went at all!

i began my fast again on friday. i ate the PB sandwich at 1pm. and i havent eaten since!

what are some useful tricks/tips you guys use when you are fasting, like when it gets tough and you are really craving stuff?

leave me a comment :)

stay strong!

think thin