Wednesday, September 23, 2009

quickiee* 09.23.09//.

i havent weighed myself in days.
im scared of what the scale will tell me. everyday, i live in dear of my scale. pathetic? yep!
i had to eat today. i was walking down the stairs at school (10 flights down).. i got really dizzy and fell halfway down a flight. i was so weak.
i was actually carrying books about anorexia. i told everyone they were for a project..
i was forced to have 2 slices of toast with raspberry jam. i must admit, they were somewhat delicious. i was tempted to purge.. but i havent been left alone til now. like, 10 hours later..

i need to start fasting again tomorrow.
i hate not knowing my weight.
i plan on breaking out the scale on friday.
really not looking forward to it.

but i need to know.


boness. *

cheeck bones
hip bones
collar bones
thin thighs
small wrists
concaved stomach
"I wish I could love myself"

Something's always wrong............

Friday, September 18, 2009

[09.18.09] * first week

so this week was more difficult than i thought it was going to be
so much rain.. and the wind was making me so nervous.
ive been hiding in the basement in fear that the top of my house is going to blow off!
im pretty much a wreck.

good news is that i have been losing weight.. thanks to fasting :)
and the fact that im not really super happy right now makes it a lot easier to not eat.
i think my room-mates and classmates who i associate with are starting to suspect things?

but i dunno.
i hope not.

my family is coming to visit on sunday, and we will probably go out for dinner..
at least if i dont eat until it wont be too terrible.
i just dont want to tip them off.

it was funny, the other day my mom called to see if i needed them to bring anything, and she asked "are you getting enough to eat?"
i said yes. plenty.

and we left it at that..

i mostly just wanted to tell her that my stomach is empty and i plan on keeping it that way.
its hard sometimes, especially when you can smell all of the food that everyone is cooking, and it smells so good! all i do is go to the kitchen, take a deep breath, smell the food, and im good.

holy that is a scrambled post..
it reflects what my poor brain is going through right now...

oh ps. im taking a psychopathology class (study of mental illness) and for the next TWO weeks we will be discussing eating disorders.. woooot.
i feel like everyone looks at me when the prof says eating disorder.. i feel like he is pointing me out. like everyone knows my secret.

i mean, i love starving and trying to get thin.
but i dont want people to know.
ashamed of it? maybe a little.
proud that i can say no to food.
but not so much that im literally rotting away..

depressing end.
sorry you had to read that...


Monday, September 14, 2009

[09.14.09] * break.down.

wow. so things have been so horrible lately, i havent even left my room, or talked to anyone!
..well, until today, but only because classes started, and i dont wanna get behind before it even really gets started.

im having a mental breakdown, i think.
i dont know.
im not a doctor.
so i really have no idea.

i keep having flashbacks of everything that has happened to me.
every time i turn on the tap for water, i flashback to the e-coli outbreak problem back in 2001.
the moment my hands meet the faucet, my mind jumps right back to all the sickness, all the tears, the illness.
it feels as though it is the very moment that it was all happening.. i can almost hear the sound of the kettel screeching as my mom boils the water to disinfect it.
i threw that kettel in the garbage as soon as the "water boil advisory" had ended.
my family never started drinking the water.. but we were able to buy bottled water.. since the stores were finally all restocked.

i remember not showering, in fear of the e-coli absorbing into my skin.

after i finally zone back in, a gust of wind hits me. and man it hits me hard.
only a few weeks ago my town was hit with an F2 tornado.
this is something that doesnt happen around here. ever.

the wind hits my face. and i my first thought is to go grab a pole and hang on for dear life.
wind speeds of 190km/hour ripping building about, throwing trees through the air like ping pong balls. bits and pieces of, everything, just flying around and hitting everything else.

houses ripped apart. so many injured. the image still sits in the front of my eyes, almost as if it is glued there. for how long, i dont know.

so where is all of this coming from?
well i woke up the other night and couldnt feel my legs, which is normal.
(well not normal, but normal for me. due to osgood schlatters.thanks)
so i popped a few (like 5 advils)
i didnt have water and was so creeped out about going downstairs in the dark in my new house. so i just swallowed them. well, most went down easy, but the last two sort of, got stuck in my throat. and i could feel them sitting there. and scared of losing breath, i ran to the bathroom and almost took a drink from the tap...


that was the moment. i didnt drink it. i couldnt.
these mental issues.
good for my eating disorder though.
i cant eat.
im not even hungry.
even if i was. it would be purged, and not even on purpose.

i need help.
real help.

too bad i can only admit it in a blog.

damnit and my weaknesses.

sorry. depressing post.
but definitely feels good to let it out.


Wednesday, September 09, 2009

[09.09.09] * GAA.. grrrr.

so i was doing SO WELL!
but my room mates and i went to the mall to buy stuff for our house.
we were gone for like, hours!
and they decided that they wanted to get McDonalds!



mcd's is so so so nastyy.
i hate eating, but i especially hate eating fast food.
when i said that i didnt want anything, they insisted!
they thought that i just didnt want anything because i just spent so much money, so they offered to pay.. i politely declined, saying that i wasnt hungry.

they all know that i used to have an eating disorder.. and dont want me to go back to my old ways..

so they bought me stuff and forced me to eat some!!

i was so angryy!
and when i got home, i couldnt even purge because.. it took us over an hour to get home, and when we got here both bathrooms were in use..

effffffff sakes!

im so not impressed..
but i guess that means i should hide my food scale [i weigh everything that i eat!] in my room so they dont begin to wonder...

well anyways, that was my rant.
i feel disgusting with my body full of food, nasty food.

hopefully tomorrow is better...

...avoid room matess :(

Monday, September 07, 2009

[09.07.09] * movedd

well, i have internet for... maybe an hour?!
im all moved in to my new place, but internet is kinda sketchh..
SO i apologize for the lack of updates, and this one may just be short..

once i have some time im going to read up everyones blogs and comment,
so no worries all, ill be back soon :)

so as you know, my last week at home, i ate meals with my family.. and were they ever happy!
it was hard on my body, but i love my family, and it was worth it!
im really glad that i did that for them..
PLUS, it was healthy stuff, so i only put on 3pounds!

i was so surprised. i liked eating - only because it tasted so good..
but after, like at night, i would feel so bad about eating..
all i could hear were voices in my head telling me how worthless and weak i was for eating.

so here i am, back to eating only what i need to survive..
i moved in friday morning..
friday, saturday & sunday i ate 200 cals.
and today im at 50 so far.
my room-mates asked me to cook dinner tonight.. so i will - it is a lot easier to not eat when i cook.. well, it is easy to hide.

i hope you guys are all doing really well!
starving is not easy, but we have to take control!

stay strong, starve on!