Friday, September 18, 2009

[09.18.09] * first week

so this week was more difficult than i thought it was going to be
so much rain.. and the wind was making me so nervous.
ive been hiding in the basement in fear that the top of my house is going to blow off!
im pretty much a wreck.

good news is that i have been losing weight.. thanks to fasting :)
and the fact that im not really super happy right now makes it a lot easier to not eat.
i think my room-mates and classmates who i associate with are starting to suspect things?

but i dunno.
i hope not.

my family is coming to visit on sunday, and we will probably go out for dinner..
at least if i dont eat until it wont be too terrible.
i just dont want to tip them off.

it was funny, the other day my mom called to see if i needed them to bring anything, and she asked "are you getting enough to eat?"
i said yes. plenty.

and we left it at that..

i mostly just wanted to tell her that my stomach is empty and i plan on keeping it that way.
its hard sometimes, especially when you can smell all of the food that everyone is cooking, and it smells so good! all i do is go to the kitchen, take a deep breath, smell the food, and im good.

holy that is a scrambled post..
it reflects what my poor brain is going through right now...

oh ps. im taking a psychopathology class (study of mental illness) and for the next TWO weeks we will be discussing eating disorders.. woooot.
i feel like everyone looks at me when the prof says eating disorder.. i feel like he is pointing me out. like everyone knows my secret.

i mean, i love starving and trying to get thin.
but i dont want people to know.
ashamed of it? maybe a little.
proud that i can say no to food.
but not so much that im literally rotting away..

depressing end.
sorry you had to read that...


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