[09.18.09] * first week

so this week was more difficult than i thought it was going to be

so much rain.. and the wind was making me so nervous.

ive been hiding in the basement in fear that the top of my house is going to blow off!

im pretty much a wreck.

BUT!

good news is that i have been losing weight.. thanks to fasting :)

and the fact that im not really super happy right now makes it a lot easier to not eat.

i think my room-mates and classmates who i associate with are starting to suspect things?

but i dunno.

i hope not.

my family is coming to visit on sunday, and we will probably go out for dinner..

at least if i dont eat until it wont be too terrible.

i just dont want to tip them off.

it was funny, the other day my mom called to see if i needed them to bring anything, and she asked "are you getting enough to eat?"

i said yes. plenty.

and we left it at that..

i mostly just wanted to tell her that my stomach is empty and i plan on keeping it that way.

its hard sometimes, especially when you can smell all of the food that everyone is cooking, and it smells so good! all i do is go to the kitchen, take a deep breath, smell the food, and im good.

holy that is a scrambled post..

it reflects what my poor brain is going through right now...

oh ps. im taking a psychopathology class (study of mental illness) and for the next TWO weeks we will be discussing eating disorders.. woooot.

i feel like everyone looks at me when the prof says eating disorder.. i feel like he is pointing me out. like everyone knows my secret.

i mean, i love starving and trying to get thin.

but i dont want people to know.

ashamed of it? maybe a little.

proud that i can say no to food.

but not so much that im literally rotting away..

holy.

depressing end.

sorry you had to read that...

THINK THIN!

[08.30.09] * eeeek

so i am officially like, the worst blogger on this site!

...and to tell the truth i am still trying to figure the site out.

it is a little confusing, but hey there ya go.

so i am officially done being a lifeguard, which is sad.

it helped keep me in good shape..

ill still swim, but i wont have to do my skills or save any lives.

im already missing it, and it hasnt been that long.

it was just such a great job, and it is hard to say goodbye.

perhaps it is hard to say goodbye because i am saying it to so many people!

i am moving soon, and i am so effffffing pumped. it is going to be so super fantastic!

and time is just flying by - just a few more dayss.woot.

so as i said on thursday, i had to interrupt my fast to eat so that i could be strong for work - cuz it really sucks being on a super hot pool dead, being super tired, watching boring swims & being light-headed. it is just far too much for me to handle! so i had an apple for breakfast, and half a peanut butter sandwich for lunch.

{i dont know if peanut butter is good for you or not, but it fills me right up - AND it gives me tonnes of energy, which i needed for swim team!}

also, i went for my final weigh in at the docs on friday {i was so gross - i literally jumped out of the pool, put on some dry clothes and ran to the docs!}

when i first started weigh ins i had to wear nothing but a hospital gown because i was caught "smuggling" penny rollers in my underwear. i learned all the tricks. so for a long time i had to be "inspected" and was forced to wear the gown. after a while of that i was allowed to wear clothes because the exact number doesnt matter so much as the range of the number. so when i went on friday i was nervous because i have been fasting and not eating a lot lately, and i didnt want to get caught before i left or else i wouldnt be allowed to go.. {i am down 4 pounds, which puts me at 116!}.

so i wore a LOT of layers.. good thing it was cold out! i wore a padded gel bra (since gel weighs more than just foam), 2 tanks, t-shirt, big sweater, track pants & two pairs of leggings, plus HUGE wool socks! i was actually quite warm, dressed for a winter day! plus i have really long, thick hair that was soaking wet. i wore a really heavy necklace, plus a super fancy hair elastic.

my weight was ... 119! aka i had on three pounds of stuff! i was so pleased.

they were not concerned that i was down a pound considering that i am stressed about a lot of things. doc said that given my history he expected two or three pounds, but was glad it was only one. so now i am done with weigh ins. since i am 20 and i technically do not have to go.. so they are lucky i went at all!

i began my fast again on friday. i ate the PB sandwich at 1pm. and i havent eaten since!

what are some useful tricks/tips you guys use when you are fasting, like when it gets tough and you are really craving stuff?

leave me a comment :)

stay strong!

think thin

[08.27.09] * moving. update

i haven't updated in a few days..

i am in the midst of moving back to university. last year was my first year, so i lived in rez. this year i am living off campus with friends a made in rez. i miss them so much. the closest one lives two hours away, and i havent seen any of them since april! so i am pretty pumped to get to see them again. a lot of my stuff is in boxes, and i have no idea where certain things are. i start moving on tuesday.. but i have a lot of packing and organizing to do since i am moving out of my parents house forever!

it is sad, and its going to be really hard. i love my parents so much! we are so close [other than the fact i lie about eating and whatnot], but we have an amazing relationship. i am going to miss them lots, and my little brother [he's about a foot taller than me - gianttt!]. but once i move in and get into the pace of school again, i will stop missing the fam. I will be so busy weighing food, counting calories, working out, blogging and of course, going to class!

I cant wait at all!

so tomorrow is my very last shift at the pool, EVER!

i have been a lifeguard for 5 years now.. and have worked at the same pool. i am officially finished after tomorrow, since i will not have any more terms off to have a summer job. i started saying my goodbyes to those who i will not be seeing tomorrow. again, it is sad.

and when im sad, i definitely do not eat! which is a good thing. sadness causes me to lose my appetite. wooot.

today was a good day. i havent eaten since tuesday, and i am starting to get the light-headed, dizzy, super out of it feeling. and as terrible as it sounds - i LOVE itt! it is so greatt!

but i will have to eat something tomorrow since i work 9 hours.. and work is really draining, and i have to be really alert [&i need to be strong] - so i will eat tomorrow during the day, and then start another fast tomorrow nightt!

only got an hour and a half workout in today - but better than nothingg!

hope everyone is doing well. i will read everyone's updates and leave comments tomorrow.. i have to be to work in six hours and am in desperate need of sleep!

think thin.

stay strong lovellies :)

[08.25.09] *AMAZING day

today was beyond amazing!

my day started at 6am, giving me four hours of sleep.

i brushed my teeth and ran 20 minutes to the gym.

once there, i ran on the treadmill for 40 minutes.

(600 cals gone. wooot)

i then did my weight training, core stuff, and push ups

plus ball exercises.

this took 25 minutes.

i like to be at the gym for an hour and a half..

so i went on the elliptical for 25 minutes.

then i ran 20 minutes bak home!

i felt INSANE!

i love working out so much. it always makes me feel so amazing after.

i went to work at noon, but it wasn't busy so i got to go home at 4 instead of 6.

i should have swam.but my legs were tired.

all i had to eat today was an apple.

i have rediscovered my collarbone and my hipbones :)

my wrists are looking knobby (sp?)

but my thighs wont budge.

ickk

im planning tomorrow to be the same as today.. only i am hoping to get more sleep tonight!

i only have a week left at home, and i wont lose that much weight in a week.. so i might as well go hardcore ana now!

my brain is in no food mode, and loving it.

there is no better feeling than your stomach being totally empty!

stay strong, starve on lovellies :)

[08.21.09] *quick.update

I am still figuring out how to work this site, so bare with me.

I don't even know if that is the right form of "bare"

SO.

Today I worked an eleven hour shift, which is awesome because it gave me little time to eat. In and out of the water for 6 hours, burned LOTS of calories and didn't take any in. It was great. I felt great.

I had a bottle of water with a thing mixed in.. it is a jamieson electrolyte plus vitamin c thing. I have about one a day. I also take herbal diuretics to help with water weight. I don't know if they work, but there is something about taking them that eases my mind. I guess it feels like I am doing something.

All that I had to eat today was:

10 medium size red grapes

10 small size green grapes

4 small strawberries

I'm still feeling good, I guess I am running on adrenaline, and the fact that I am PUMPED I get to move out in 14 days!

While I was at Uni last year, it was so easy to hide my ED. It was awesome. I over-exercised, and no one told me to stop.

I am really looking forward to getting my freedom back!

--- wish I could update more, but I am being called to the vehicle. We are going to a family reunion thing, and I'm not allowed to bring my computer {no internet, anyways}. SO I guess I will be updating my thinspo book until I get back. Hopefully food will be easily avoidable!

I will be back to blog on Sunday, hopefully. or Monday. Depending on weather and how much "fun" we are having.

Think Thin.

Starve On.

[08.20.09] *intro

I'm not sure how many people, if any, are going to read my blog. I am mainly trying to organize my jumbled thoughts, as you can tell by reading my first two entries. My mind jumps from subject to subject, place to place, hoping that by blogging, I will be able to organize my thoughts and be able to think straight.

So if anyone is going to be reading this, I guess I should do some sort of quick intro.

I am 20 years old, even though I look 15, but act 30. I am in university, taking business, sociology, and maybe tourism. I live in Canada, and am hoping to go to Australia for a year {starting in February 2011}. I will have to wait and see how things go.

My life is great, for the most part. I love almost every aspect of it, minus the fact that food rules a major part of my life. It has for about, 12 years now?

When I was eight, I was made fun of for being "anorexic". I wasn't, I was simply just a very very naturally skinny child. At first, I didn't even know what anorexia was. But by being made fun of for my weight, I became very conscious about it. I began eating less, yes, at eight years old, I was starting to diet. I would eat only fruit and drink only water. I was really good at not eating breakfast and lunch, but making my parents think I did. It was awful, such an awful thing for such a young person to have to go through.

My parents are not idiots, I love them to death! But they didn't figure it out. I wasn't not eating, I just didn't have anything other than dinner, and maybe a snack before bed. Starting at age 9 (grade four) I started joining sports teams (mainly track and cross country running). I was really good at running and would go on to many different meets. So everyone just thought of my weight loss as an effect of my running.

Eventually, my eating habits became more "normal" and I was eating the way any kid should. This continued into grade 8.

At the age of 14, my body began changing. I got hips, and my clothes started getting too small.

Now I know, it wasn't that I was getting fat, it was my BONES moving around.

At the time; however, I started being made fun of because I was getting "fat"... even though I was still underweight. This is when my eating habits turned for the worst. I needed to be thin again. I needed people to make fun of me for being too skinny, instead of being made fun of for being fat.

My parents confronted me about being bulimic after a nurse mentioned to them about the bracelets that I was wearing. [I wore a red one for anorexia, and a purple for bulimia]. At that point, I would say I was both.

I teetered back and forth for a while. But I was finally able to control myself and not binge, therefore I would say anorexia with the purging subtype became my ED of choice. If you can call it a choice..

After grade 11, the summer that I wanted to be perfect, took an ugly turn. I was raped by a friend of mine. He is no longer a friend, obviously, but at the time.. he was. We were close, and it all happened so fast. But that incident, that single, traumatic experience, is what sent my anorexia into overdrive. When I am depressed, I don't eat, which works out perfect for someone with an eating disorder.

So after a few hospitalizations here and there, I am still battling against the demons in my head telling me that I need to be thinner to gain control of my life.

Heading off to University last September started out okay. I was partially recovered and starting to eat normal-ish.

I'm 5foot 6inches and weighed 120 pounds. My doctors were impressed with my progress. I went down greatly in weight while off at school, but still managed to do surprisingly well.

After returning home for the summer, my parents and doctor have all been closely watching me, and I am back up to 120 pounds.

I am moving away for good in less than 16 days, and I am so excited.

But I don't think I can do it the way people want me to..

I need thin. I need anorexia to be part of my life, in a way, it is a safe zone for me.

So here is what I got for now; especially since I have to continue eating normal-ish [or at least make everyone think that I am eating normally until I move out. [I have become very good at the game of trickery].

GW1:115lbs

GW2:108lbs

UGW:97lbs

It is going to take a lot of work, but I will do it.

I will be thin.

Or die trying.

Think thin.Stay Strong.

[ps.if someone actually read all that, congrats. I ramble. it's boring]