[08.20.09] *intro

I'm not sure how many people, if any, are going to read my blog. I am mainly trying to organize my jumbled thoughts, as you can tell by reading my first two entries. My mind jumps from subject to subject, place to place, hoping that by blogging, I will be able to organize my thoughts and be able to think straight.

So if anyone is going to be reading this, I guess I should do some sort of quick intro.

I am 20 years old, even though I look 15, but act 30. I am in university, taking business, sociology, and maybe tourism. I live in Canada, and am hoping to go to Australia for a year {starting in February 2011}. I will have to wait and see how things go.

My life is great, for the most part. I love almost every aspect of it, minus the fact that food rules a major part of my life. It has for about, 12 years now?

When I was eight, I was made fun of for being "anorexic". I wasn't, I was simply just a very very naturally skinny child. At first, I didn't even know what anorexia was. But by being made fun of for my weight, I became very conscious about it. I began eating less, yes, at eight years old, I was starting to diet. I would eat only fruit and drink only water. I was really good at not eating breakfast and lunch, but making my parents think I did. It was awful, such an awful thing for such a young person to have to go through.

My parents are not idiots, I love them to death! But they didn't figure it out. I wasn't not eating, I just didn't have anything other than dinner, and maybe a snack before bed. Starting at age 9 (grade four) I started joining sports teams (mainly track and cross country running). I was really good at running and would go on to many different meets. So everyone just thought of my weight loss as an effect of my running.

Eventually, my eating habits became more "normal" and I was eating the way any kid should. This continued into grade 8.

At the age of 14, my body began changing. I got hips, and my clothes started getting too small.

Now I know, it wasn't that I was getting fat, it was my BONES moving around.

At the time; however, I started being made fun of because I was getting "fat"... even though I was still underweight. This is when my eating habits turned for the worst. I needed to be thin again. I needed people to make fun of me for being too skinny, instead of being made fun of for being fat.

My parents confronted me about being bulimic after a nurse mentioned to them about the bracelets that I was wearing. [I wore a red one for anorexia, and a purple for bulimia]. At that point, I would say I was both.

I teetered back and forth for a while. But I was finally able to control myself and not binge, therefore I would say anorexia with the purging subtype became my ED of choice. If you can call it a choice..

After grade 11, the summer that I wanted to be perfect, took an ugly turn. I was raped by a friend of mine. He is no longer a friend, obviously, but at the time.. he was. We were close, and it all happened so fast. But that incident, that single, traumatic experience, is what sent my anorexia into overdrive. When I am depressed, I don't eat, which works out perfect for someone with an eating disorder.

So after a few hospitalizations here and there, I am still battling against the demons in my head telling me that I need to be thinner to gain control of my life.

Heading off to University last September started out okay. I was partially recovered and starting to eat normal-ish.

I'm 5foot 6inches and weighed 120 pounds. My doctors were impressed with my progress. I went down greatly in weight while off at school, but still managed to do surprisingly well.

After returning home for the summer, my parents and doctor have all been closely watching me, and I am back up to 120 pounds.

I am moving away for good in less than 16 days, and I am so excited.

But I don't think I can do it the way people want me to..

I need thin. I need anorexia to be part of my life, in a way, it is a safe zone for me.

So here is what I got for now; especially since I have to continue eating normal-ish [or at least make everyone think that I am eating normally until I move out. [I have become very good at the game of trickery].

GW1:115lbs

GW2:108lbs

UGW:97lbs

It is going to take a lot of work, but I will do it.

I will be thin.

Or die trying.

Think thin.Stay Strong.

[ps.if someone actually read all that, congrats. I ramble. it's boring]