Monday, September 14, 2009

[09.14.09] * break.down.

wow. so things have been so horrible lately, i havent even left my room, or talked to anyone!
..well, until today, but only because classes started, and i dont wanna get behind before it even really gets started.

im having a mental breakdown, i think.
i dont know.
im not a doctor.
so i really have no idea.

i keep having flashbacks of everything that has happened to me.
every time i turn on the tap for water, i flashback to the e-coli outbreak problem back in 2001.
the moment my hands meet the faucet, my mind jumps right back to all the sickness, all the tears, the illness.
it feels as though it is the very moment that it was all happening.. i can almost hear the sound of the kettel screeching as my mom boils the water to disinfect it.
i threw that kettel in the garbage as soon as the "water boil advisory" had ended.
my family never started drinking the water.. but we were able to buy bottled water.. since the stores were finally all restocked.

i remember not showering, in fear of the e-coli absorbing into my skin.

after i finally zone back in, a gust of wind hits me. and man it hits me hard.
only a few weeks ago my town was hit with an F2 tornado.
this is something that doesnt happen around here. ever.

the wind hits my face. and i my first thought is to go grab a pole and hang on for dear life.
wind speeds of 190km/hour ripping building about, throwing trees through the air like ping pong balls. bits and pieces of, everything, just flying around and hitting everything else.

houses ripped apart. so many injured. the image still sits in the front of my eyes, almost as if it is glued there. for how long, i dont know.

so where is all of this coming from?
well i woke up the other night and couldnt feel my legs, which is normal.
(well not normal, but normal for me. due to osgood schlatters.thanks)
so i popped a few (like 5 advils)
i didnt have water and was so creeped out about going downstairs in the dark in my new house. so i just swallowed them. well, most went down easy, but the last two sort of, got stuck in my throat. and i could feel them sitting there. and scared of losing breath, i ran to the bathroom and almost took a drink from the tap...


that was the moment. i didnt drink it. i couldnt.
these mental issues.
good for my eating disorder though.
i cant eat.
im not even hungry.
even if i was. it would be purged, and not even on purpose.

i need help.
real help.

too bad i can only admit it in a blog.

damnit and my weaknesses.

sorry. depressing post.
but definitely feels good to let it out.


1 comment:

  1. Heya i'm glad I found your blog, I really love it :) I hope you're okay and feeling better than you did in this post. Hopefully you found someone to talk to about this to so you don't keep it all in and allow it to consume you.